Unanswered questions

--Today, I went to get my passport just like I said the other day. Now, we wait. Ohh…and as for the new photo, its alright. It sort of took a long time at the post office to finalize my papers. It wasn’t until then, I felt a sharp pain in my heart with this stupid STUPID!!! Question… “How about your dad?” WELL WHAT ABOUT MY FATHER?! I haven't spoken or even had a tad bit of communication with that him for years! I was still forced to answer as many questions I could. I had to fill out simple questions about him that my hand refused to write. My heartbreaks…my mind going insane..and my mother, helped me answer ALL of the questions INCLUDING HIS BIRTHDAY!!! I held back the tears forming in my damn eyes. Does he even know my own mothers birthday? Probably not…that’s a dumb question to ask. Then, I was filled with anger for a good 5 min. I was relieved when the whole father questionnaire was finally over and done with. It's so hard to forget someone you want to forget but can’t! You don't know how crazy I become when he pops up into my mind. I go crazy,mad,insane, ballistic,looney!, and after all that madness, I end up crashing down.In the end…well, in the end I always feel defeated…mostly I feel like a dying flower… I don’t know why I can’t get over this damn feeling..this feeling that constantly breaks me apart over and over again. A pain that’s intolerable. A pain that will never have a resolution.I break down all the freaking time, and it makes me so frustrated with myself. My heartaches everyday for that man, EVERY FUCKING DAY! I want to forget him.. like he has done with me,but I don’t know why my heart tells me no. I want to forgive him, for being a coward.

You will never understand the pain or the tears.

One day I hope to find a conclusion to this damn crooked ass story. If I don’t, I want to find peace. I don’t want to be angry or FEEL LIKE SHIT when it comes to him.

All I want is for everything to be okay between me and him and his family. I respect his wife and my siblings. No bad intentions..really. Just for everything to be alright.For all of us to get along and not feel obligated to do so.

And in the end ..I don't hate you

__________ sorry for the profanity.

On a lighter note

After this passport renewal process was finally over, I bought babe lunch. $1.25 fish taco tuesday's at Rubios :) It wasn't 2:30 yet but the guy was nice enough to give me the deal. Brought it over to babe, and had lunch together. I had the sudden urge for milk tea boba, and asked him why he still doesn't like boba, and he told me he just never did. Then, I asked him why the hell their previous dog was named BOBA, if he didn't like boba? Then, he laughed at me and said Aileen named him boba. That explains that picture I edited on his phone :)
I helped him sell stuff before I left to walmart with my mom,lola,and brother.

______Jumanji baby..really?

My lola wants to buy a hammock for the sideyard. She thinks its going to be useful for the summer. I don't know why we never thought of buying one? Good thinking lola! =) First we checked out Lowes to see different types of hammocks they sold, and particularly liked the wooden one but didn't have a roof. We then decided on the two seat hammock. We then, went to walmart and found that they only had one type of hammock that seat six people..ugh..useless only becasue it was flat and it had no back support. So, you would be each others back support. Does that make any sense? So, tomorrow were going to go back for the two seat hammock at lowes. My brother was a lucky duck today. My lola bought him his birthday present today. His birthday isn't till august! He got a bike, a inflatable mini pool with a zebra slide and zebra hose, and 100 mini balls that go into a ball pit! Geez... Now, I want a damn bike! ..and a rollerblade too...I miss those days where you had no real responsiblities. I bought two brushes. A bristle brush so I can tease my hair and fix it like leah does. The other one im not so fond of, I think I'm going to return it. I also bought my favorite John Frieda collection heat defeat spray and glossing mist. IT WORKS!

I want to badly paint my room, but I have no time. I'm excited for our future home rennovations :)

Momma, one day i'll make you proud. One day, I will be able to give back to you and possibly more because you deserve it. You work hard for me and Justin. We love and appreciate everything you do for us. Tayong tatlo palagi. I love you mom.